My First Mother’s Day Without
May 13, 2007 § 5 Comments
My Resday was May 15th 2006, just 2 weeks after I found out my mother had stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer. My grandmother was still recovering from Gall Bladder cancer but they were pretty sure they had gotten all of it. For those fortunate not to have a close relationship with cancer, there are only 4 stages. They gave her a year, she died in August.Second Life was my escape during that time. I took solace in an obsession with fantasy fashion where I had never cared at all for the real thing. I spent hours shaping my avatar, looking for the perfect hair color, trying to find eyes that matched my own.
The amazing Relay for Life drive that was going on helped me deal with the guilt. My mother lived 4 hours away. I wanted to be there but knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it emotionally. My family thought I should quit my job and move back to take care of her but Mom wanted me to stay where I was so she would know I’d still have a life when she was gone. So I stayed like a coward and immersed myself in SL and bought pretty much all the Relay for Life stuff I could find. Participating in the drive made me feel like I was helping even though I couldn’t be with her.
During all of this, my other grandmother had a stomach blockage removed that they discovered was also cancer. They’ve finally decided that she’s not going to need chemo but she spent all Christmas reminiscing. Wondering if it was going to be her last.
I haven’t mentioned yet that my father has cancer too because he’s had it for 15 years. It the kind where the complications are what actually kill you. He’ll be around for at least another year. Could be 5 but I’m not sure about 10. He misses my mom too much. Ironic since they’d been divorced for 30 years but they made better friends.
It’s been a year of firsts: first birthday without, first Thanksgiving without, first Christmas (she loved Christmas) …
I never expected Mother’s Day to hit me as hard as it has.
It’s Mother’s Day and I don’t have one.